Life and Times of Heather

Where do I begin?  My life seems to be very complicated these days.  My son is going through some incredibly difficult stuff.  He is finally dealing with the loss of his father.  It has been a little over 3 years and it's been a struggle daily for me, so I don't know how he's been able to stuff it down until now.  Bryan was a wonderful father and husband.  The two of them always spent quality time together.  I think it's just that we weren't able to say goodbye to him.  He was already in a coma when we got to the hospital.  How do you cope with not being able to say all the things you want to say to the person you love?  A very smart person recently said that when you let go of the grief you actually gain more from the loss.  You will actually allow more of the wonderful memories to come flooding back.  I haven't been able to do this yet, but I will try.  

So, with that said, there is also the fact of my back.  I've had 2 failed spinal fusions and they want to take the hardware out of my back.  I'm in pain constantly and most of my family doesn't know how bad it is for me.  I think they try and understand but they think I should just get on with life.  How do I do that, when I can barely do most things?  I try and suck it up when my family gets together for dinners of when we go out and do things, but that just makes them think I can do everything.  How do I let them know I am not superwoman and that I hurt daily?  

I am also very lonely.  It's been a long time since I have had someone hold me or tell me they loved me (outside of my son and family).  I want to go to the movies, dinner, hold hands, kiss, or just lay next to someone that loves me unconditionally.  I don't think that is too much to ask.  I want a soul-mate!  I just want to feel that twitter in my stomach when that person comes through the door.  I'm afraid though, that I give off some vibration that says, "Don't look, don't touch, or don't ask!"

Well, kids, that's pretty much it.  The life and times of me.  Until next time, remember to choose joy (if it's available).